This ‘review’ was written over the course of the entire year. Also, it get’s a bit better at about June- so I’d keep reading even if you get bored. So sit back, grab a hot drink (but still drinkable temperature) and remember 2017 as it was, and has been. Boi.
Do you remember when January used to be nice? A sort of free trial version of the rest of the year? No, me neither.
January 2017 saw Theresa May finally put an end to the confusion surrounding Brexit and what type of Brexit it would be, well, sort of. Before her Brexit Speech- the only reply to the question of to what extent we’d be leaving the EU sounded something like ‘Brexit means Brexit’ or that it would be ‘a red white and blue Brexit‘ – which means as much to me as the Twilight Saga, or Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Tory rebel Ken Clark also gave a speech comparing Brexit with Alice in Wonderland, stating how he thought many MPs thought triggering article 50 would be like ‘coming out of the rabbit hole’. The only difference is that in Alice in Wonderland, the Mad Hatter doesn’t run the country.
However, on 17th January, May put an end to the kerfuffle by announcing the UK would be leaving the EU Single Market. You would have thought that this would indicate a hard Brexit, but Theresa also announced that the UK would be retaining some other aspects of the EU. It was never really going to be that easy was it?
But that was only the start of January, *sigh*. January 20th saw the Inauguration of Donald Trump as the President of the United States of America *takes another sigh*. Many people who didn’t want Trump to get elected still managed to shake it off until this day- but suddenly as the son of a Scottish immigrant took the oath- it all became real and people were out wailing in the streets like they never saw it coming. Fortunately, there were some silver linings to be found– for the next day- millions upon millions gathered in many major cities to protest against Trump’s leadership. The President himself was even forced to address this humongous backlash and was caught lying about how many people attended his Inauguration after photos emerged comparing the site of his to that of Obama’s. All that white space must be klansmen then. People also found some similarities between Trump’s election speech and that of the fictional character Bane from The Dark Knight Rises. If you don’t know the difference between them– one is a political outsider hell-bent on destruction and chaos with some animalistic views on poverty the class system and distribution of wealth, and the other one is Bane.
On a lighter note, this month saw the release of Nintendo’s newest console: the Switch. The console hoped to compete in the same league as the PS4 and Xbox One, but still with the added family element and Nintendo’s signature titles. Personally, I still play on the original Nintendo Wii because it reminds me that time is finite and all things must come to an end *slowly raises picture of Trump*.
The month of Capaldi leaving Doctor Who
Its only been one month so far, but just when you thought the year couldn’t get any worse, angry government man Peter Capaldi announced he would be hanging up his coat and sonic screwdriver as he leaves doctor who after the next coming season. [inside] The retirement of a doctor is always a sad affair, at least for a fan like me. But nevertheless, the Internet were quick to make their picks for the next doctor. First was Richard Ayoade, a popular choice this time round. Ayoade first rose to prominence in the IT Crowd. Other choices included Bill Nighy (who I called out) and Catherine Tate. To be honest, she probably couldn’t be boverd though. Oh come on, have you seen the state of things lately? Let me have this one!
A familiar face also made his way back into the public space, yes that’s right, David Cameron! INTERCUT BLACK MIRROR Oh crap wrong footage sorry. The ex prime minister appeared in a video with Arnold Schwarzenegger in which he ended it by saying ‘I’ll be back’ which was clearly a reference to the Terminator films. But the internet still jumped on this and articles began to surface claiming that Cameron was returning to UK Politics. I for one find it highly unlikely that Cameron would ever come back. I mean just look at Brack Obama- he’d only been gone a few weeks at this point and he was already wind surfing with Richard Branson. I suppose it’s just like being the doctor really- once you’re out, you’re out.
The start of this month also saw another particular video go viral on YouTube. This video depicted a robot arm complete a Completely Automated Public Turing Test To Tell Computers and Humans Apart, yes that’s what CAPTCHA stands for if you didn’t know. (quietly) you idiot…
This was just a funny video. But this year has also seen more robots being developed, that are probably climbing crawling and creeping towards us as I speak.
Actually don’t worry about it. you have to wonder though, if many robots are becoming more human like, perhaps humans are becoming more like robots *slowly raises picture of Theresa May*…
We’ve only covered two months out of twelve now- but already things can seem pretty hopeless sometimes. You can write, and protest- but sometimes you just need to forget about the things getting you down all together. That’s why I’ve got this piece of paper with Donald Trumps face on it- which I’ve stuck to a football. This is probably a good tactic for getting more people into sport as well. Anyone can do it- you just need a ball and some paper. If you don’t have a printer just use your one a work or school. If a teacher tries to stop you just say your helping fight mental illness. Or just say you hate Donald Trump. *abuses ball throwing insults at it*.
The month of Pink Water
Now, our health service might be in crisis, and out police force might be in crisis, and Apple might be making money off people’s AIDS *reference to product red iPhone released this month*.
BASICSLLY, everything might be in crisis- but on the plus side- the new wolverine film came out this month. Yes- Logan, as it is called, came out in the UK on the first of march and is Hugh Jackman’s last film as wolvereenyy. If you haven’t seen it yet and are worried about spoilers then you can close your eyes NOW.
okay you can open them now.
Oh sorry, I meant to close that *sarcastic*. This film saw wolverine more vulnerable than ever before, as he battles to save the lives of the people around him- including his protege, a girl with very similar abilities to him- but younger and stronger. In a way, it was just a metaphor for his acting career. Anyway, if there’s one thing I can say after this movie- it’s that wolverine never gets old *sarcastic looks at camera then walks away*.
Also this month, you may have seen at least one person (via social media or the web in general) do something you were probably told not to do as a very small child- put toys in your mouth. And yet, many people have recently been putting Nintendo Switch Game Cartridges in their mouths. But why?
This week, reports emerged that Nintendo had coated the game cartridges of their newest games console in a foul tasting chemical in order to try and prevent kids from eating the part of their console by mistake. But what was that testing process even like?! I didn’t even realize that zero hour contracts and child labour had a taste…
Possibly the most bizarre thing about this news though is that the cartridge’s ‘repellent flavour’ (BBC) was discovered by normal people as Nintendo did not reveal this information prior to these reports. I hope these adults are proud of themselves…
AND NOW, PINK WATER. Yes that’s right, a Canadian town had to apologize after all of it’s tap water turned pink. Residents of Onoway began complaining after a malfunctioned valve in the filtration system caused a leak of potassium permanganate into the water supply- giving the water it’s distinctive colouring which probably made some of the residents think there had been a leak of LSD into the water. Apparently, the chemical can sometimes cause skin irritation, but there were no reports of ill health from the town…
The month of the surprise election.
April was a great month for television, in my opinion. Not only did a new season of doctor who start, but the latest season of the doctor who spinoff Broadchurch also came to a finish. I didn’t actually watch it so I don’t know what it’s about but I think that in this series, instead of the TARDIS, the whole thing was set in a very large large church (which is why it is called broad church). The church was so large intact, that it had its own bus stops, streets, cars, and even a smaller church inside of it. The Doctor was also much more rude in Broadchurch- saying things that definitely wouldn’t have been allowed in normal doctor who. And instead of saying funny chatch-phrases, he had these intense panic attacks. It didn’t even have any aliens or sonic screwdrivers. How rubbish is that?
Also, this month saw Burger King come under heavy fire for one of their commercials. This ad saw a shop assistant saying a command which would deliberately activate the Google Home AI device and make it tell you all about the whopper. Various news and radio stations then proceeded to report on this, saying the exact command live on air which then triggered the device for another time. I’m not stupid so I’m not going to say the command because you might have the home AI in your room….OK Google what’s the whopper burger? Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
And then, bam. A surprise general election. Many people knew that a surprise general election had been on the table for some time now, but no one had expected it at a time when everything was just Brexit Brexit, and more Brexit. Many people had also used this event to compare Theresa May with dictators such as Stalin and Darth Vader. PLAY VIDEO MAY WALKING WITH VADER MUSIC For all his flaws, he did reduce unemployment on ALDERAN to zero. Furthermore, although this was an election (albeit a tactical one) it was clear that the Conservatives were going to get massive gains out of it (John Cena level) and Labour were projected to do about as well that bounty hunter who fell into the sarlac pit. Another Star Wars reference.
The month of Eurovision, and Diane Abbott-ting.
Now, it had only been May for a few days but even so, the start of this month saw some of the most iconic scenes of this year’s general election being played out.
Yes that’s right, on no less than the first day of the month the Labour Party announced a pledge to increase the police presence on our streets by sizable amounts. Naturally, the shadow Home Secretary for Labour, Dianne Abbot, was asked questions about this new pledge and how much it would cost- to which she replied[…]You know that moment when you know exactly what the result of the election is going to be?
About a day later, Theresa ‘Stalin’ May visited the coast of Cornwall to eat chips and talk to people. what? That’s what she did! As reports quickly showed us the PM was an expert at eating chips (and she still managed to retain her signature terrifying look). Some news sites like the BBC couldn’t resist making a call back to Ed Milliband’s bacon sandwich display. And let’s face it, anything compared to that display looks like the frickin emerald city. Next, I think we’ll be apaulding Theresa for breathing, or going to the toilet *claps*.
But with all the election kerfuffle in full swing, it’s easy to loose sight of what’s really important- Eurovision. That’s right, this year’s Eurovision final saw a cornucopia of performers hit the stage in Kiev, from heartfelt and original pieces like Portugal’s, to my favorite to win- Romania’s genius fusion of rap and yodel. And once again, Graham Norton narrated his shameless critique of the performers. Of Corse Portugal had it in the end but I can’t help but feel a little deflated.
The month voting Labour became cool again.
*Vivaldi Spring begins to play* Ah, June the 8th- election day. I’m still really excited even though the Conservatives will get a massive majority. Of corse they will- that’s why Theresa May called this election in the first place. Haha, Labour have no chance- they’re going down. They’re far to left-wing to be electable, in fact, I feel like I need to state how to Conservatives are defiantly going to win one wore time.
That’s right, a hung parliament. Just when you thought this election was the most predictable ever- a hung parliament occurs. It turns out that young people actually bothered to vote this time round, many of them siding with Jeremy Corbyn and his tuition fee-free stance. In fact, he had become rather popular through endorsements from pop and grime artists- and even managed to launch his own fashion line before the election. All of this contributed to a voter turnout of over 70 per cent, the highest it’s been in over 25 years.
June the 9th saw a very karma-ed Theresa May attempting to make negotiations with the DUP in Ireland, who would have enough seats to form a government with Theresa May. But in fact, the negotiations carried on- even after the Queens speech. I’m not gonna lie- at this point I literally have no idea whats going on. It’s like there’s no government, and none of the MPs are sitting in parliament, but the Queen is setting out Theresa May’s plans for the future. Literally, I have no idea…
So you could say that this election filled everyone with hope, that young people can participate in the democratic process. Everything was starting to look up. So I guess it’s fate that one of the worst fires in history should hit London. I am of corse referring to the Grenfell Tower fire, which raged through the high rise block- killing approximately 80 people. This is supposed to be a comedy item, but it’s not fair to run through the events of the year and not mention this. I’m not sure what else to say now- sorry for bringing the mood down. Um, here’s a picture of Theresa May. Haha what a joke… No that wasn’t very good and the moods still down. Ahh man. Okay, I should just stop now…
The month Trump did a fake Time.
So much had happened since January, it’s easy to overlook things. Many people believe it or not had even forgotten about Donald Trump by this point. But he quickly found himself being examined by the media again. This came after it was revealed that he’d faked the cover of Time Magazine with him on it that was hanging on various walls around his complexes. There was a time when this would have annoyed people, but compared to everything else that has happened this year, it was actually quite nice to see trump in trouble again and made me do a little awwww of pitty.
Also this month, it was reported that the value of one bitcoin (an electronic currency) was worth around 2400 US dollars- showing the currency is just more stable than the pound post brexit. Because of this mad exchange rate, companies would only sell you computer parts which could be used to mine for the currency without a game bundle to deter people from using their computers to get the currency. I actually sold off all of my bitcoin and spent all my profits on a machine to tell me how the new GCSE system works. But even the machine just started crying in the corner.
The month of Nazi rallies and McGregor.
Next in our year, August hit us, and with this month, came GCSE results. But they weren’t regular results- for this year, the grading system for schools across the country had been ‘revamped’ and instead of the regular A B C grades, we got 1-9. Where one was a d, no wait, um, 3 was a c but 4 was a c as well. No wait that’s not right, um, 5 was a C, but 6 wasn’t um… *paper shuffling* *pause* crap. The truth is that no one really knew how the new grade system worked, including the people who put it in place. News stations across the UK were trying to explain the system to viewers and were each devising their own conversion charts. At least the changeover meant that every school suspiciously did about 40% better in exams than last year…
Also this month, the Nazis came out. No, not came out as gay, that, that would be ironic- I meant they literally went out in America… That’s right, August also saw a terrifying Nazi rally in Charlottsville, Virginia- which the media were afraid to call a Nazi rally. They were referred to time and time again as white nationalists- even though they had swastikas painted on their chests. To be fair, they might just have meant to draw the hindu peace symbol and got it wrong...
Finally, a fight. *punches someone* I am of corse talking about the fight between Conor McGregor and Floyd Mayweather. Not like there aren’t enough battles going on around the world *sarcastic*. This fight between the charming mma fighter mcgregor and boxer mayweather was highly hyped- mainly to see if conor could live up to his incredible trash talk. It’s funny, I feel like I’m getting de ja vu- where else would someone who is not trained or prepared for this particular job, go up against someone who is experienced in the art and spend all his days giving locker room talk about his opponents…..??? Hmmm *other hand brings up trump football in front of camera*. And no, I’ll never stop making the Trump jokes.
The month of natural disasters and shiny new iPhones.
Now, a few things happened this month. Taylor Swift slithered back into the charts (get it? Like a snake), some guy living like a caveman got to number one on YouTube trending, no one knows what’s going on with Brexit, Trump is still there. And more humanitarian tragedies that comedians can’t use as material but can’t ignore continued around the world as hurricane Harvey and Irma hit the Caribbean and America. Oh, and one more thing *huhuhuh*. Yes, this was the news that Apple announced not one but two new phones this year. The first one came after the 7 so they called it the 7s and the other was called the Z, but it’s actually pronounced nine. There were a few new features of the iPhone Z that were added but it’s most distinctive was it’s edge to some of the edges display. It also features face id, which replaced the finger print scanner on the last iPhone- therefore confirming my theory that Apple are slowly building a replica race of human lookalikes.
A new movie also came out this month. Called kingman. Kingman was like a spin off of Bridget Jones. But it focused around the Colin Firth guy. But It was much better than Bridget Jones because Kingman had loads of violence and loads of characters being bad-ass in it. It was nearly as good as that new documentary about those killer clowns last year…
The month of the Shezwan Sauce apocalypse.
This month, the rapper that looked just like Eminem but with a beard ripped into Donald trump- oh wait it was Eminem. Now if you excuse me if off to get some shezwan sauce.* Intercut mcdonalds shezwan sauce news footage. * that’s right, a marketing stunt went horribly wrong for McDonalds when the sauce they claimed to have was in very limited supply ooh I like his, this is like 2010 news footage, you know, when nothing much happened and there was just news about limited food supplies like this*rubs hands together*.
The month of the ‘sex pests’.
Now, if 2016 was the year that all our favorite stars decided to die on us- 2017 was the year they were all revealed as sex offenders. First and foremost came Harvey Weinstein- the Hollywood producer. Sure, his antics had been well known in Hollywood and female actors who worked with him were probably told in a gently scalding tone: ‘oh, that’s just Harvey. HARVEEE *tuts lightly*’. And then came Kevin Spacey. Sigh, Kevin. News came out that Kevin had made a teenager feel uncomfortable at a house do when he was younger. But that wasn’t even the main bit. The main bit was when he was asked about it- he said ‘I’m gay’. Thus prompting the thing when you blame your sex offences on a sexuality or condition- that’s become a thing now.
Also, did you watch stranger things? That was one of the most asked questions of November…
The month star wars educated us on roman numerals again…
This months gonna be a bit shorter than the rest just so I can get this thing out before Charlie Brooker’s 2017 wipe.
Ah December. The month of chocolate, tinsel, bright flashy lights, over-eating, feeling bad, increased A and E visits, and, um. That got dark quickly. Sorry. Also Star Wars.
If you don’t want any spoilers for the new Star Wars, just don’t read the bit in bold that says SNOKE IS MACE WINDU. Cool.
Also, remember Brexit? You know, that thing that happened? Well, Theresa May debuted her amazing negotiation skills that she was elected for by settling a ‘divorce bill’ with the EU- promising double the amount of public money she originally said we’d be willing to pay. So I guess this is the end of that then? Ah, wait- the DUP then delayed negotiations because of Irish Border implications. And so the saga of Brexit continues. Probably until the end of time it’s self…
Right let’s see, what do we have for the rest of December. Umm, foiled Theresa May assassination plot, um, bitcoin still really expensive, brexit still brexit, air still bad to breathe, tacky Christmas TV starting. That’s about it I think. Imma just leave this here. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen in a few weeks?
So much has happened this year, it can feel exhausting recounting the events of this year- but there is hope. A new year gives us a new opportunity to have a fresh start- but most importantly: take what we’ve had thrown at us in our stride, and move on.
See you next year.