How To Be British:

How do you do???!!!

Despite a new found hatred of foreigners in our country, and recent attempts to oust foreigners by some of the people who voted to leave the EU- Britain still remains a diverse country, full of different accents and dialects. However, there are common values that all of these people adhere to. You probably think that I’m referring to the so called British Values, which have been preached to the schools of the UK by the government and include values such as ‘compassion’ and ‘free-speech’. Because we invented them, apparently.

However, our government had made a terrible mistake- they had mistaken British Values for Universal Values of Decency. But many people say that there are no true British Values- nothing that makes us stand apart from other countries. I will now prove these people wrong. What you’re about to see, is a list of true British Values– which I have codified, and hopefully will become recognised by the country as what really sets us apart from our fellow man overseas…

1. Apologising

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Apologies are a staple of British culture. It doesn’t matter what accent or ethnicity you have- to be British immediately, the first thing you have to do is apologise. You want to know what the time is? You say ‘Sorry, but do you know what the time is?’ Want a glass of water? You say ‘sorry, but could I trouble you for a glass of water?’ But you’re probably wondering, what happens when you genuinely want to apologise for something? Well, British people have a system for this, you just say sorry- but many times in a row to stress you’re really sorry- not just starting a conversation…

2. The Weather

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Another core British value is talking about the Weather. It’s irrelevant whether the weather is that different to usual- but you must initiate at least one conversation a day by saying ‘so, this weather then?’ But don’t get to clever, you’re not pointing out the exact state of the weather, you’re just pointing out that weather exists…

3. Tea

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So you’ve met someone new, apologised to them , talked about the weather- now it is time to invite them into your home. Normally, you might talk about the weather, but when you have a guest in your home- you must initiate the conversation by asking ‘would you like some tea?’ If they say no then you can assume your normal behaviours, but if they say yes- then the game is afoot. Stick the kettle on, put the tea bag in the cup and for gods sake, make sure you know whether they want any milk or sugar with their tea. And of corse, this goes without saying, DO NOT PUT THE MILK IN FIRST. And don’t leave the bag in. I don’t even drink tea.

4. The Queen

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Actually, I know nothing about the royal family. She’s just there, isn’t she?

5. Do What You Like

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On a serious note, having your own interests and hobbies are a core part of British Life, as well as in any other country. By having your own hobbies and interests e.g. classical guitar, you can bring something new a discussion- and many people can greatly appreciate it if you can have a laugh and talk from your heart- not just for professional development reasons. Find something you like, that no one else does, and make it your own…

Farewell

 

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