How to be king of any gym from day 1.

Going to the GYM can be an intimidating process, especially if it’s your first time there. But don’t worry, because after 5 mins aprox. reading time, you’ll be the king pin of the gym… But weight! See what I di… Okay, just. On with the thing.

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1. Ask everyone you see ‘Are you doing dips?’

By constantly repeating the question- are you doing dips?- you’re acting like you know your stuff and letting the other gym rats know that you mean business. But what does this mean? It doesn’t matter. No-one else will know what this means, and you’re relying on this to build up your gym cred(ability).

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2.Create your own crazy exercise.

Asking ‘are you doing dips’ constantly is good, but eventually you’ll have to put your street knowledge into practice and prove that you can smash your BFG by 1000,000 bro points. To do this, you have to do an exercise that no-one’s every done or even thought of before. Forget that one where you go on the pull up bar and stick your legs out then move your hips side to side- use whatever oz of imagination you have to come up with something. I don’t actually know what an oz is, I only count in KGs cuz that’s what they use in the gym.

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3. Constantly complain about cardio.

Basic Bro Science dictates (Dom, 2016) that a certified gym animal can’t do more than 10 minutes of  cardio. A year. So, in order to prove that you’re the gym monster that you’re not, you need to complain about cardio- all the time. You should say things like: ‘Aww man, I feel sick just looking at those treadmills’ and ‘Is that a bike there, or is it my worst nightmare?’ True fact- it’s both.

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4. Reserve all the weights.

You don’t need to be hench to look hench. All you need to do is grab the heaviest weights of the rack and put them down beside your spot. Then just go on instagram and look at workout clips, or something.

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5. Roids.

What? You didn’t think I was just gonna endorse steroids in this did you? There are many healthy additives, alternatives, supplements, and poisons you can take to increase your gainz by at least half of the weight rack. Make sure you also consume protein at least 40 times a day, that’s five times every meal. It once said on a yogurt ad with Gok Wan that looking good comes from within- and that’s true. So head down to your nearest gym store- and buy the biggest tub of gnar you can get your biceps round.

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That raps up how to be the king of the gym, but when you reach the top of the lo- I mean top, make sure you remember who your true gym master is- the one to rule them all: Ordinary Author, the best thing since Arnold, the god of lifting, was born.

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